Another Year Ahead.

I'll never forget the first year of sending my oldest son to school. I was literally sick with fear and worry. 

“Am I doing the right thing?

Should I keep him home one more year?

Should I go all-in on the homeschool thing?

What if this is the worst decision I’ve ever made?”

You know, the gamut of questions we ask ourselves through every facet of parenting. 

The whole summer before he started I asked myself these questions and as we neared the first day I would retreat to the shower each night to cry buckets so that he wouldn’t see me. 

I knew in my gut what he needed, and that what we were led to was a direct answer to prayer. But how could I send my precious child into the big wide world without me? How could a 6 year old get through a whole day without his mommy? As my social one, he was so excited, but it seemed impossible for me to get through. 

Fast forward 3 years and the same scenario hit when sending my youngest. That time with even more dread, as he was very shy, a major homebody and a momma’s boy in every single way. Unlike his brother, he was not excited. We were both very much not excited. 

My youngest’s first day is honestly still hard for me to talk about. It was probably one of the most difficult things I’ve been through as a mom - simply because I had no babies at home anymore. When I walked into an empty house after dropping them off at school, everything changed. And boy did I feel it.

It was my first taste of letting go. Their first taste of independence. Necessary, good things that proved to be the very best decision we’ve ever made for both of them. 

But man. 

It wasn’t easy. In fact, it was downright gut-wrenching. 

The Lord taught me so much about trust in those years especially. But had we not pushed them (and me, especially me) outside of our comfort zones, they would have missed out on so much that God had planned for them - their experiences, their friendships, their growth of faith - all things they cherish deeply! And I would have missed out on the blessing of experiencing God in a whole new way.

Parenting is hard. Decisions will make you crazy, knowing what you decide will determine the trajectory of their lives. From the minute they enter the world you’re faced with them. And honestly the social media culture just intensifies the doubt of those decisions - I’m sure all the newborn mommas can all give a resounding “AMEN!” (Trust me, I remember the days. I never saw so many “expert” first-time mommas in my life. Whew-wee!)

The decisions are never going to go away. If anything, they are more frequent and difficult as our children grow. But what makes them manageable is prayer. Completely surrendering my will to God’s. 

He already knows the plans for my boys! Plans to prosper them! To give them a hope and a future! (Jeremiah 29:11) He loves them more than I could ever imagine and as much as I want to protect them, I am limited in my ability. But God isn’t! He is with them wherever they go. 

I am so thankful for that promise or else I would be a literal basket case. No like, for real. Ya girl would be Mayor of Melt Down Town without the peace Jesus gives me in the day-to-day.

Though those tough “first” years are behind us, I still dread back-to-school. It’s forever my least favorite day of the year. They are always so excited to get back, but with every "first day" I'm reminded that the days of raising my boys are limited. And well, we just don't like to even think about that, so let's forget I even said anything! But truly, even in the gloom of sending them back, I’m continually reminded year after year of the faithfulness of God to me, my husband, and our boys. 

Where He grows my children, He comforts me. Where He protects my children, He encourages me. Where He leads my children, He sustains me. 

Take heart, fellow mommas. Our babies are going to be okay. And you will be too.