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Pondering of My Heart.

When I was pregnant with Levi, I wrote this post close to Christmas and I love to go back every year and read/reflect on those thoughts and feelings I was bombarded with as I, for the first time in my life, felt like I related to Mary. I could sympathize and imagine her scenario in ways I never could and her story took on a whole new meaning for me. That Christmas in 2008, Mary became my hero.

To be 9 months pregnant and riding on a donkey through the treacherous hills of Israel, looking for a place to birth her son - our Savior. Now that I know what pregnancy entails, I'm sure she was swollen, achey, weary and just plain miserable. Then, I imagined her feelings as I related them to my own concerning carrying a son, but intensifying them in knowing that she was carrying God's son. But now, now that I am a mother to a two year old boy, I find myself wondering about Mary even more.

There is a special relationship between a mother and son. I am Levi's refuge and when no one can make things better, Mommy always can. We are best buddies and our dynamic is unique and precious. We have a bond unmatched to another, and every day I thank God that I get to experience it. I know Jesus had the same thing with Mary. And she with him. I know she loved him more than anything in this world ... not only because he was God in the flesh, but because he was her son.

I imagine their day to day interaction and the stories she must have told to her friends. What funny things did Jesus say? What things did he do to make her laugh? What imaginary stories did he make up? What was his favorite toy? What made him laugh? What did he enjoy? To imagine the very God of very Gods in the form of my two year old son is absolutely mind boggling. How did she discipline? How do you discipline Christ? Was she overwhelmed with the responsibility of parenting the Lord or was she comfortable in viewing Him as her son? Oh, to sit down and discuss these things with her - how I would devour her words!

I imagine their special relationship. Their inside jokes and their sweet kisses. When Levi asks to hold my hand or randomly comes up to give me a hug and a kiss or screams out "I love you more than anything" as he's playing, I am completely overwhelmed with love. A deep, fierce, almost hurting love. A love I simply can not explain with words or bring to life with expression. It's just there. It was from conception and it's God given. Now combine the love that you have for your child with the love you have for God, and that's what I imagine Mary to be bursting with. I am just not sure if I could even process that in my human nature.

Levi asks me questions about Jesus all the time. He tells me that Jesus died on the cross for our sins and then always asks why. Trying to explain that Jesus IS God to a two year old is tricky, (he tells me "no He's not, Mommy. He's God's SON!"), and trying to explain sin and the salvation of our souls is something I try to do as simply as I possibly can. But he's still not satisfied. He wants to understand. And I know he will with time. But I imagine Jesus. Did He have similar conversations with Mary, or did He just innately KNOW? Did he know, at that early of an age, that He was both 100% man and 100% God? Was she able to ask Him questions as He grew older about faith? Did she have the inside scoop about all the things (i.e. "gray areas") that we always wonder about? Did He teach her just as she taught Him?

My questions just grow and intesify with each passing year and I'm certain that when I enter into eternity with my God, I will at some point seek out Mary and have a good long talk with her. Her life and testimony intrigue me to no end and as each new stage with Levi develops, I can't help but imagine Mary entering and soaring through the same stages with Jesus.

They were mother and son. God and child. She devoted her life to bringing Him up so that He might die - and that we might live. Praise GOD for His plan, His sovereignty and for the heroes in faith that we have to admire and aspire to emulate. I find myself beyond blessed this Christmas, that the Lord saw it fit to not only bless me with one son ... but with two. And for these precious souls, I pray will come to know and love the Son of God who was once like them, and then died for them.

And for myself, I pray for divine wisdom, as I do my best to lead them to Him.
I am a modern day homemaker with a passion for family, cooking, celebrating, decorating, travel, and memory making! The Lord has blessed me with the desires of my heart in my husband and our two sons. We recently built our dream home and cultivating a loving and happy haven for my family is where I find so much joy.


  1. Awesome post, Whitney!! I've had the same questions. Wondered the same things. Now that I'm a mom, I'm so much more emotional when I listen to the Christmas songs about Mary and Jesus. I can't imagine knowing that I was raising the Son of God so that He could grow up and die for people who were wicked..and even despised him. Did she know He was going to die such a horrific death? Oh man...what a painful yet amazing plan that Mary was a part of.

  2. What a great post Whitney! You speak such a great testimony of God's love. Thank you for reminding me once again to truly be thankful and to look to God for everything I need.

  3. WOW...I've never thought about it like that. I'm a mother to a son as well and can totally relate!
    Thank you for opening my eyes a little more!!

  4. Well said Whitney. It is funny while there have been so many Christmas's of hustle and bustle this year is different we are moving and learning and following God'd will. We don't have all the decorations up and the tree is 2 feet tall but this is the year I feel closest to the Lord. I did not know it was possible as last year my son was 3 months but this time I feel like we are hearing him and listening to him and for that he is calming us and allowing us to enjoy and celebrate him in our own way just by recognizing he is in control. Mary continues to peak my interest and I too would love to sit down and hear her journey and testimony in her words.

  5. I love this. This is my first Christmas with my son, and it's amazing the way my thoughts have changed. I cried as I prayed aloud with my boy the other night because the magnitude of sacrificing one's son REALLY hit me.

    And when we get to Heaven, and you sit down with Mary, PLEASE invite me to the conversation! I'd be fascinated to hear her thoughts and memories of young Jesus and raising the Son of God!

    Have a Merry Christmas! :)

  6. Have you ever read 'Unafraid' by Francine Rivers? I just finished reading it. It's the last book in the series of women in the Bible. This one was in Mary's point of view from when she got pregnant to when Jesus was resurrected.

  7. What a wonderful perspective. I haven't had the joy of being pregnant yet, so your insights are priceless. Thank you for sharing your heart!

  8. This post is absolutely wonderful. I agree that the emotions definitely pour in much more now that I am a mother. I find myself tearing up in church much easier than before. Thank you for reminding me again that this time of year is about Christ!

    Hope you have a wonderful Christmas :)

  9. That sentence, in the last paragraph, "She devoted her life to bring him up that he might die". Can you even imagine? I mean, seriously imagine, knowing that one day he would hang on a cross in front of her.... not just for the rest of the world's sin... but for hers. Can you imagine that anguish? I mean, every time Zoe gets sick with a COLD I wish that I could take it on myself so that she wouldn't have to...

    I love when you write posts like this. You so eloquently put into words thoughts that many of us just ponder in our heads.

    Merry Christmas!

  10. Love this post! I've often had the same thoughts and questions and my son asks very big questions too.


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