Friday, March 6, 2009

Make Me Laugh.

Happy Friday! :)

I have no time to ramble today though I have countless things I would loooove to say. You know me - never at a loss for words. ;) Ya know, there are simply not enough hours in my day it seems like. Especially lately.

But I want you to make me laugh over the weekend. Consider it your challenge. Are you up for it?!

Tell me your favorite joke.

The one that makes me laugh the hardest will get a little surprise treat in the mail from me. Who doesn't love a treat?

On your mark, get set, GO!

Have a wonderful weekend, lovies!

29 comments:

  1. I got nothin'.

    I don't really laugh much at jokes but more at everyday things people do or say. I'll have to come back and read the jokes people post.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love this one:

    "Hair Removal....

    This is funny. (I don't have a clue as to who wrote this, but....WHAT A HOOT!)

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on.........

    My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

    So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

    No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

    So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

    OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

    I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

    With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

    Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my Hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

    I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!...OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.

    I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

    I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

    There's no hair on it.

    Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

    Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.

    I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. OMG! NOOOOOo!!!

    Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Totally sealed shut!

    I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

    Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

    *WRONG!!!!!!!*

    I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

    Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.

    Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

    So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

    I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and Hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

    There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or Hoo-ha?'

    She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

    YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

    My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace.... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

    What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY

    GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!!

    It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE...ALL OF IT!

    So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.

    I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

    Next week I'm going to try hair color......"

    ReplyDelete
  3. I recently started reading your blog so I thought I'd comment today with a joke my hubby sent me recently, have a great weekend!!

    How To Tell If You're Married:
    Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men.

    That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch.

    The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said,
    'You are the woman of my life. I love you. Then we made love all night long.

    The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

    The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?

    ReplyDelete
  4. As told to my by my husband to get a rise out of me, since I'm Irish.

    My husband, The Chef, said,

    "So, do you know what a seven course Irish meal consists of?"

    Since he's always reading foodie magazines and books, I assumed he just read a new article about St. Patricks day.

    "No..." I pondered buy couldn't come up with anything.

    He grinned, "A seven course Irish meal is a six pack of beer and a potato."

    (Sorry, its almost St. Patricks day, I hope you got at least a snicker out of that one.)
    Cowgirl in the City, http://irishamy.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  5. A little boy is walking with his mother at a carnival. The mom excitedly points out a clown; "look buddy at the funny clown!" The little boy is sceptical and looks up at his mom and questions, "is he a real clown or just somebody dressed up like a clown?"

    ReplyDelete
  6. A tour bus driver has a bus full of senior citizens. As he’s driving, the bus driver gets tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady.

    She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully eats. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

    When she is about to hand him another batch of peanuts, the bus driver asks the little old lady why she doesn't eat them.
    .
    "We can't chew them because we've got no teeth", she says.

    So, the puzzled driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?"

    The little old lady replies, "We just love the chocolate around them!!"
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    ReplyDelete
  7. I have two...but one of them is from David because he thinks it's SOOOOOO funny.

    David's:

    When God finished creating Adam, they were walking through the Garden and Adam turned to God and said, "I'm lonely." And God said, "Well, Adam...I'm going to make you a companion. She'll walk with you and talk with you and you will be so happy with her. But I gotta warn you...it's expensive. It's going to cost you an arm and a leg."

    Adam thought and thought for a minute..."Hmm...what can I get for a rib?"

    Stupid boys.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Okay, this isn't a joke so I know it doesn't count, but it's real and I about died laughing when I read it.

    There's a website called overheardinnewyork.com and people post random bits of conversations they overhear in the city. This was heard on a subway:

    Little boy: Hey Mommy, I just farted on your leg.
    Mom: I know. I felt it.
    Little boy: Was it warm? Did it stink?
    Mom: Shh.

    Haha! Gotta love kids....

    ReplyDelete
  9. This one is mine:

    During WWII, an American fighter pilot is shot down over Nazi Germany. He's badly injured and captured by some Germans. They take him to the prisoner hospital and they have to amputate one of his legs. After surgery, the pilot asks one of the guards, "Hey, if it's not too much trouble, can you put a parachute on my amputated leg and drop it over the American base camp so they can bury it there?"

    The guard thought it was an odd request, but the guy just had his leg amputated, so he did it.

    The next day, the surgeon told the pilot they would have to amputate his other leg, much to his dismay. The soldier, although upset, asked the guard to drop his amputated leg over the American base camp. Again, the guard complied.

    A week later, the poor pilot had to have one of his arms amputated. He smiled faintly at the guard and asked again, "Will you please parachute my arm over the base camp so they can bury it there?"

    "Sure, sure," the guard replied hesitantly.

    The next day, they had to amputate his other arm. Depressed, the pilot looked yet again at the guard and asked, "Please can you fly it over the base camp and drop it off?"

    The guard scurried towards the pilot and in a huff, abruptly declared, "Nine! Ziss vee cahn't do!"

    The pilot asked, "Why not?"

    The guard replied, "Because...we zink you ah twying to escape!"

    ReplyDelete
  10. Why don't they have a Miss Ebonics America Pageant?


    (Any guesses?????)


    Cause nobody wants to be Miss I-da-ho!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Things to do on an Elevator

    1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask “Got enough air in there?”

    2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

    3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves.

    4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

    5) MEOW occasionally.

    6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re one of THEM” - and back away slowly

    7) SAY -DING at each floor.

    8) SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the red buttons.

    9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

    10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have new socks on.”

    11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”

    12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

    13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: “This is my personal space.”

    14) WHEN there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.

    15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

    16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

    17) HOLD the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, How’s your day been?”

    18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: “That’s mine!”

    19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

    20) PRETEND you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.

    21) SWAT at flies that don’t exist.

    22) CALL out “Group hug” then enforce it.

    ReplyDelete
  12. This is from Uncle Les, but I know he won't care if I use it:

    A young blonde model is driving her red sportscar down the highway when she cuts off a truckdriver. He gets furious and manages to pull her over on the shoulder. He gets out and storms at her and demands she get out of the car. She agrees and he draws a circle on the shoulder of the road with chalk and tells her to get in. She does and he tells her not to get out no matter what he does next.

    He gets out his pocket knife and scrapes the edge of her car. He turns around to see her reaction and she's giggling. This makes him madder, so he takes his knife and slashes her leather seats. He turns around to see her reaction to this, and she's laughing harder. He's had enough. He gets his gas can out of his truck, pours it all over her car and sets it on fire. He turns around to see her again and she's on the ground laughing so hard. He says, "What's the matter with you? I just burned up your car and your laughing?! Why?". She looks at him and says, "While you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

    Haha! Funny blonde joke:)

    - Audra

    ReplyDelete
  13. here you go. My apologies if anyone is offended!!

    Two blond girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.

    They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

    An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don’t get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?” The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team.
    But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.”

    ReplyDelete
  14. This one is from my brother-in-law:

    Q. Where do kings keep their armies?
    A. In their sleevies!

    Cheesy isn't it? But so is pizza, and we all love pizza!

    ReplyDelete
  15. mine's short and sweet....

    I stole this from my first college roommate!

    Q: Why did the cactus cross the street?




    A: Cause it was stuck to the chicken!

    ReplyDelete
  16. My favorite joke of all time would have to be told in person. To me, it's the funniest thing in the world. However, I will tell you anyway:

    Me: Ask me if I'm a firetruck.

    You: Jennifer, are you a firetruck?


    Me: Nope.

    HAHAHAHAH.

    It cracks me up every single time. I suppose the joke is more for me than the other person. I'm even cracking up typing this to you. I guess I'm funnier than I thought. (o:

    Now everyone who reads this comment will now how dumb I am. But, it just doesn't take much to amuse me. (o:

    ReplyDelete
  17. Here's one for you that I love:

    A young polar bear goes to his mom one day and asks her "Mom, am I full blooded Polar bear?" and the mom goes "of course, son!" And the son goes, "Are you sure?"
    "yes, son I'm sure."
    "well, how do you know?"
    " Go ask your father."

    so the young polar bear goes to his father...
    "Dad, am I full blooded polar bear?"
    "yes, son, you are."
    "well, how do you know?"
    "well, son, Your mother and I are both full polar bear, my parents are full polar bear, your mother's parents are full polar bear... so that makes you full polar bear. Why do you ask, son?"

    "Cause I'm FREAKING FREEZING!"

    Hehe... I love that joke! Hope it made you laugh!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Sorry this is a really, really long one, but I love it! :)

    An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

    At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."

    Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

    As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

    The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

    "Very well," said the voice.

    The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

    And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

    ReplyDelete
  19. Here's another one...

    There was a magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good. He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, "It's in his sleeve! It's in his sleeve!"

    The magician chased the bird away.

    On the second day, the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, "It's in his pocket! It's in his pocket!"

    Again, the magician chased the bird away.

    On the third day, the magician was performing his highlight once again (in front of an even smaller audience) when he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.

    The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board sat the parrot.

    They stared at each other for three long days, neither of them say anything. Suddenly the parrot said, "I give up, what'd you do with the ship?"

    ReplyDelete
  20. I've got a couple of simple, but funny ones for you:

    A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

    What are the sexiest animals on the farm?
    Brown chicken, brown cow (okay, so you really have to HEAR this one for it to be funny... just say it like "bow chicka bow wow"... ya know?)

    and i don't know why both of mine revolve around farm animals....

    ReplyDelete
  21. wow...some of these jokes are awful! here's mine (which is much better in person by the way):

    There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red-head running through the woods because they had just escaped from jail. The police were catching up on them, but they found an old barn to hide in. They went in the barn and saw some old potato sacks.

    The brunette says, "Let's hide in the potato sacks." The red-head says, "Good idea." The blonde says "Okay." So all 3 get in the potato sacks.

    Soon the police come along and see the potato sacks on the barn floor. One officer kicks the the first potato sack, and the brunette inside says "Meow." Oh, said the officer, its just a cat.

    Then the officer kicks the second sack, and the red-head says "Woof." Oh, said the officer, its just a dog.

    Then the officer kicks the third sack, where the blonde is hiding...and she says, "POTATOES!"

    hahahaha...i love it, but like i said, MUCH better in person :)

    ReplyDelete
  22. Peanuts Anyone?

    A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
    After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
    She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'
    'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
    The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?' The old lady replied,
    'We just love the chocolate around them.'

    I got this in an email from my mom and I thought it was too funny!

    ReplyDelete
  23. I csn't think of a good joke right now..hmm...but I'll come up with one for ya soon. Have a good weekend!!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  24. What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?

    Where's Popcorn? :)

    ReplyDelete
  25. What Starts with F and ends with K

    A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
    students The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

    Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'


    Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

    While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


    Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

    Harry: '9.'

    Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

    Harry: '36.'

    And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
    should know.

    The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,

    'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

    Ms. Brooks says to the principal,

    'Let me ask him some questions.'

    The principal and Harry both agreed.

    Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

    Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

    Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

    The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

    Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

    Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

    Harry: 'Pants.'

    Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

    Harry: 'Coconut.'

    The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

    Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

    The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
    answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

    Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

    Harry: 'Shake hands.'

    The principal was trembling

    Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

    Harry: 'Firetruck.'

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

    ReplyDelete
  26. I'm not really a big fan of jokes or of people who tell them and then look at you expectantly, waiting for you to laugh uproariously about the stupidest stuff. Which is why I have NO idea why this is my favorite joke, but I usually am laughing so hard after I finish telling the first line that I can't even finish the second. Here it is:

    A guy walked into a bar.

    And it hurt.

    ReplyDelete
  27. So this mushroom walks into a bar & spots a pretty girl sitting by herself. He wanders up to her & asks if he can buy her a drink. She looks at him, digusted, and says "No thanks!" He then shrugs and says, "C'mon, I'm a fungi". HA! I laugh every time....thanks biology professor! :)

    ReplyDelete
  28. I laughed SO hard at J Leigh Designz - That's the funniest thing ever.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Knock knock
    Who's there?
    Impatient Cow.
    Impatient cow wh - MOO!

    ReplyDelete

May the Lord bless you and keep you safe today! Thanks for the comment, friends! :)

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