* Our toys have legs. They sprout limbs when my eyes are hiding and they run ferociously throughout my house and sporadically plant themselves wherever they may land. I am SURE of this because toys that I know I put away stub my toes in the middle of the night. I need hidden cameras to prove it to you.
* Our clothes shed. When I take off my clothes and throw them in the hamper, they shed their layers and multiply tenfold. One simple camisole becomes 3 loads of laundry. I'm convinced this is truth and it's going to land me in the nut house.
* We have secret kitchen elves. These elves are not the good kind. They're the very very bad kind. They come out at night, dirty all the dishes and then throw them in the sink for me to find in the morning. They also throw crumbs on the floor and whatever other mischief they can muster up. They're highly annoying little creatures.
* There are tornadoes in the bedroom. I know this to be true because every morning, my neatly, perfectly placed sheets and blankets on my bed from the night before are a twisted, rolled, knotted up nightmare. My blankets are thrown off on the floor and my sheets look like someone was trying to roll and tie them up for a big tie-dye extravaganza. It's maddening.
* The toothpaste thinks it's a firecracker. You know those tiny black pellets that you light up on the 4th of July and they grow into big long snakes? Well, our toothpaste likes to pretend he's one of those snakes and again, when I'm not looking, he squirts himself all over the bathroom. He plays snake in the sink, on the mirror, and the one that drives me the most batty is IN THE DRAWER.
And this, my friends, is why I am never caught up on my daily duties as a housewife. It's not my fault at all! My house is a circus act. A circus act that plots against me each and every day.
If you need me I'll be charming snakes and setting elf traps. Wish me luck.