Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Bathroom Woes.

(The Contest Winner is announced in yesterdays post!)

I have realized lately that I am completely neurotic when it comes to bathroom protocol, etiquette and expectations. I have certain issues that are beyond my ability to stop, and I just have to get them off my chest.

First things first…..

I have a shy bladder.

There. I said it.

My bladder is only shy, though, when walking into the bathroom with someone. If someone is already in there doing their thing, and I walk in to do mine, I am completely fine. But if I am on my way to the restroom and I hear someone behind me walking, I panic and pray that they’re not headed to the same place as me because I know what lies ahead. I have been known to divert my entire route to the bathroom if I sense someone I know behind me. I think to myself “do I walk on past it and bank on them going in or do I risk it, go in and hope that they’re walking past it?”

It’s especially bad here at work because I know everyone. If I walk into the same restroom as them, we usually end up shooting the breeze and as soon as we make our way to our separate stalls the awkward silence begins and my bladder freezes up. It’s as if it is playing some kind of cruel trick on me – pretending that it needs to be emptied and then once we’re there chuckles and sings “nanny-nanny-boo-boo – I don’t really need to go-ooo, I just wanted to embarrass you”.

Sometimes, I’ll start to unroll some toilet paper to allow for SOME noise. It’s unbelievably awful when the other person has the same problem as me and there are 30 uncomfortable seconds of dead silence as we sit there waiting for one of us to start. I’m thinking to myself – “go! go! go!” and I twiddle my thumbs. Oh, it’s bad.

It makes it even more awkward if you are chatting it up like school girls before entering the stall because then when you go in you feel like you can’t say anything until you get back out. It’s like an unwritten rule that you can’t talk while tinkling. The talking always resumes at the sink.

Why? We will never know.

I have a few bathroom annoyances as well.

It really bothers me when I walk into a stall and I’m the only one in the entire restroom and someone walks in and chooses the stall RIGHT next to me. That’s like walking into an elevator and standing side by side to the stranger riding with you. You just don’t DO that. There should always be a buffer stall. Just like the unspoken buffer seat at the movie theatre. Now, if the restroom is full…then that is completely understandable. But if we’re the only ones in there?! That is just weird.

Of course, I have some fears when it comes to the bathroom.

I always triple check that the lock is securely fastened because every time I sit down I envision the door coming unlocked and flying open as I sit there wide eyed and humiliated as everyone in line stares at me. No, that has never happened to me before, but what if it did?! Oh dear – what would you do?! I hate even thinking about it.

I am also paranoid that someone is going to peek either over or under the stall at me, so I always keep an eye out for that.

I have no idea why I’m so weird. I should really work on that.

Going to the bathroom should NOT be this stressful.

21 comments:

  1. HAHA love your thoughts and I feel the SAME way!

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  2. Maybe you need to start walking to the bathrooms on the other side of the building. There are never people in that bathroom. You poor girl!

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  3. Oh my gosh, I have the same fear of the door coming open! I always check the door a few time also. It actually happened to me once at a Taco Bell, on a youth group trip, and it was one of my youth. I try not to think about it.

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  4. This made me laugh so hard, I find that hysterical!

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  5. Hey also, I have not been getting any of your feeds in my reader...did you change your settings? I thought you haven't been posting?

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  6. Completely understand! One of my peeves is that I always happen to walk into the stall where someone just finished #2. My bad luck! I imagine it would freak people from the past to look at the way we do things--outhouses were so private!

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  7. There's hope for you yet. I had the exact same problem with my shy bladder until my daughter arrived. Once we moved into potty training mode, she, of course, goes with me into every bathroom stall. There's just something about your daughter chatting away that that makes you suddenly forget about all your inhibitions. Now that I have been retrained for approxiamtely 2 years, I'll go to the bathroom anywhere and with anyone. I have been rehabilitated. It's a miracle.

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  8. LOL Whitney...I have the same fears. I absolutely hate when someone goes into the stall right next to me..especially when there's like 7 other ones. You're not weird at all!!!

    Hugs,
    Michele

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  9. Haha, you are hilarious! I loved this post - especially the idea of a buffer stall. Haha. My biggest bathroom woe is when I'm at someone else's house - I always have to check the shower or tub to make sure no one is in there spying on me or waiting to kill me - one of my many quirks.

    Thanks for being so transparent - it was a great laugh. And maybe one of these days your bladder won't be so shy and you'll be able to truly go with freedom! (o:

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  10. OMG, I have the same fears/problems. What is worse and what happens too frequntly in my office bathroom is someone has a Dumb & Dumber moment - You know the one! HORRIFIC. You want to laugh but you wouldn't dare because you feel that person's pain. I hate public restrooms.

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  11. haha! you just described "stall stalking" - the phenomenon of passing up 7 empty stalls only to park it right next to you. my hubby and i actually shot a short film called "stall stalker" where every time this woman went into a restroom the stall stalker would slide in right next to her. i will make a note of this and try not to follow you into the bathroom. :)

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  12. I've had children poke their heads under my stall in public bathrooms - it's hard to resist the temptation to kick them, because really, that's what you want to do if ANYONE sticks their fool head under the stall and the person they're with just let's them and LAUGHS like it's funny or something...

    'Cause it's NOT.

    (just so you know, I've never kicked any children before. honest)

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  13. The term "buffer stall" sounds like something out of a Seinfeld episode! Love it and you.

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  14. I have those exact same fears! I especially don't like to go with the people at my own table.....who are usually my family, so how weird is that?? Sometimes it's hard to be a woman!

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  15. LOL!:)

    Before leaving on my trip to the Mediterranean with Melissa, I confessed to her about all of my "bathroom issues."
    And lucky for me, she has them too, so we got on just fine.
    And after 23 days together away from home, we were cured of "most" of our issues.

    But I totally agree with you, who sits in the stall right next to you, when there are like seven other empty ones in the bathroom. That is unsettling for anybody's bladder.

    I also, unfortunately, have the spiritual gift of ALWAYS entering the stall with no toilet paper. Every other stall will have paper the size of a cheese wheel in it, but the stall I go to will have one square left that is all ripped to bits and stuck to the cardboard roll. In that case, it is helpful if someone is in the stall next to me, because I can ask them if they could spare a square.;)

    I am enjoying your blog very much.
    I too made the journey from the work force to the "glamorous life," so I am having great fun reading about your adventure.

    Oh, and I'm TOTALLY not bitter about not winning the apron. ;)

    God Bless,
    Amy:)

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  16. I forgot one more thing....I haven't been getting your feeds of updated posts in my Google Reader either....I just saw "noble pig" commenting on that as well. I didn't know you had updated last week, so I was several posts behind too.

    Don't be scared though; I promise I am not a stalker....I just enjoy your blog.:)

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  17. I admire you for being so candid, open and FUNNY.

    I'm so sorry ladies I had no idea about shy bladder. My problem is germ phobia. I will not sit on a toilet seat, well maybe sometimes if there is a seatcover and I'm desperate and everything looks clean enough. Soooo, I learned to power pee because I squat. And use my foot to flush. But I always check for toilet paper before i lock the door.

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  18. Oh, I have the same issues! We have individual bathrooms at work and someone is always jiggling the door handle or knocking on the door and asking if anyone is in the bathroom. If the door is locked it means someone is in there! I hate that...I also have shy bladder syndrome. I also just about die when someone chooses the stall next to mine and the rest are free. I have driven home sometimes from work..I only work a mile from home so it's not a long haul and gone to the bathroom in the privacy of my own home just so I don't have to deal with all the bathroom stuff at work. I tell my co-workers that I left something at home and I'll be right back...works every time...unless their on to me and I don't know it...:-)

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  19. their...incorrect! in last sentence.

    should be they're...got so worked up over the whole bathroom thingy, that I forgot how to spell correctly:-)

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  20. I am so glad that I am not the only one! Love your blog!

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May the Lord bless you and keep you safe today! Thanks for the comment, friends! :)

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