From the moment I saw a + on my pregnancy test with Levi, my prayer life jumped to a new level. I remember rubbing my stomach with both pregnancies, constantly praying health and wellness over my children. I knew that no matter what I did, their lives were in the hand of God - and I prayed daily that He would bring them to me whole and happy.
And then they were born and my prayer life changed again. I was constantly worried about their health and well being. I prayed over them constantly - with each nap (and newborns sleep a lot!) and nights sleep, begging God for safety and security. I thanked Him for them. For their breath. For their heart beat. For their life.
As they grew out of the delicate stages of infancy, my prayers became less intense and more … regular, I guess you could say. Less desperate and more “I got this - but please keep us safe.” The more I grew in confidence in mothering, the less I found myself relying on the Lord to get me through each day. In my mind, though I never voiced it or really even admitted it to myself until recently, I felt that if my babies were with me, they were safe. I never worried about them, because they never left me. What they needed, I provided, and I found myself taking too much pride in that and less in the fact that while I felt I was sustaining them, it was God sustaining us all. The more at ease I felt with mothering, the more my prayer life took a hit.
Last year, in Erie, my prayer life grew exponentially in many areas, but in this category, I was still at a plateau. While certain aspects of our lives looked like a giant question mark, I felt I had a good grasp on all things motherhood. My prayers were focused on our future - for His provision, and still the whole kid thing felt safe. My marriage and my motherhood were my identity and my security in a year of unknowns.
Well friends, God took me down a few notches ever since Levi started school. He took me out of my comfort zone of our little bubble - mommy with her babies - and I’m no longer the one in charge, protecting my secure little nest. I’m not there to keep Levi safe from harm, to shield him from hurt, to comfort him when he falls.
But guys. You guys.
My God has promised to take my Levi and guard him and guide him. What is better than that? Certainly not me! I am slammed back to the days of pregnancy and early motherhood nearly every day as I find myself desperately approaching the throne over and over again on behalf of my little one at school and navigating the newness of having only Ezra at home. God has brought me back to the place of “no matter what I do, their lives are in the hand of God.” As hard as that is for my flesh, I know that it’s the best place to be. Total dependency on God IS the safest spot I could ever hide away in. This life change has been not only big for Levi, but probably more so for me and my place of need for God when it comes to my children.
But you know what? The best part of this whole thing is the grace I feel covering me as I humbly crawl back to the Father, knowing I should have never left the state of dependency with which I entered into motherhood. He’s not there condemning me, He’s not there shaking His head at me telling me it’s too late … He’s covering me with His love and He’s steadfastly carrying me through each and every concern of my heart. And overwhelming me with peace while He’s at it!
The Christian life isn’t an easy one. I am daily reminded of my sin nature and my desperate need for Jesus. The parenting life sure isn’t an easy one as well - I’ve told multiple people over the past month that babies are a breeze - it’s the growing up part that makes parenting so hard! But how grateful I am that my husband and I aren’t in this parenting thing alone. And neither are you. Jesus Christ wants to be fully integrated into each aspect of your life, even when you think you’ve got it. And when you let Him … life is anchored and grace abounds.
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”
1 Peter 5:6-7