Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Weebie Wednesday: Breakdown.

Monday night, Husby, Weebie and I were all in his big boy room hanging pictures and putting the final touches on everything. Well, Levi wasn't hanging pictures, but he was doing a good job of running around with the hammer and banging on everything he saw. Monkey.

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As he flew by me in a flash, I realized he needed a new diaper, so I ran to the nursery to grab one. As soon as I walked into the room, it was like I was hit by a bolt of lightening that pretty soon he wasn't going to be sleeping there anymore. We've been working on this room for a month, but it's like it just hit me right then and there. I grabbed the diaper and stifled my tears. I tried to not look around at all the things that bring back floods of memories of Levi as an infant, but I couldn't help it. I was surrounded by them.

I scurried into the big boy room and tried to rush past Husby quickly so that he wouldn't notice the tears streaming down my face, but I wasn't so good at hiding them. I burst out into tears and just flat out started bawling. I'm talking, ugly-cry-almost-screaming-I'm-crying-so-hard bawling. Husby dropped everything, wrapped me in a hug and said, "Whitney, WHAT is WRONG?"

"I DON'T WANT HIM SLEEPING IN HERE. HE'S TOO LITTLE. HE'S JUST A BABY!!!!"

Husby stifled his laughter and continued to hug me, "I know", he whispered, "I know."

I cried for a good ten minutes and as I peered up from Husby's wet-from-tears chest, I saw Levi standing against the wall with wide eyes and a concerned look on his face.

"Mommy is crying", he said.

I sat down on the floor and he ran to me, jumped in my lap, gave me a giant kiss on the lips and then wrapped his arms around my neck. "I love you much, Mommy", he said. I continued weeping and I held on to him for as long as I could. I know he was trying to comfort me because he never moved a muscle. He stayed in my lap until I put him down.

He KILLS my HEART.

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Knowing that he will turn two at the end of the month is tearing me up. It has been worlds harder than him turning one, and I'm not sure why. Maybe because he was still a baby when he turned one, and now with each passing day, he is becoming more and more of a big boy. I am overjoyed and hugely proud of the precious little boy that he is and is becoming, but knowing how fast these two years have flown by just makes me sad. I know that before I know it he will be 3. And then 4. And then 16. And then an adult. And there is nothing I can do to stop that.

I treasure these moments. I treasure my little angel. I treasure this child that I feel like I could burst from loving so much.

I'll probably remain a basket case over the course of this month, so if you see me in a puddle of tears in the middle of the grocery store, don't mind me. I've got a severe case of the Baby Grow Ups, and it will be an absolute miracle if I ever actually let Levi graduate to his big boy room. Because once he's there, there's no going back.

22 comments:

  1. Oh mama... I just gave my middle daughter her last 8 y.o. hug.

    I feel your ache. My "baby" just turned six. It's hard. Great, but hard... {hugs}

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  2. Oooh...
    I don't have kids, but I can understand and feel your ache.
    Being a mom is so hard...
    {hugs}

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  3. Oh, I can identify so much with your feelings! I try so hard to treasure each moment with my children, but I feel the years slipping by and already my first little baby is six and a half!

    I'm finding these feelings so much worse with my youngest. With my older two children I took some comfort in the thought that although they wouldn't be two again, I would someday have another two year old. I'm not sure if we will have any more children however, so now I'm dealing with the 'Oh, I'll never have another newborn!' and 'I'll never get to do this again' feelings. They are overwhelming at times. I sometimes get a bit emotional when I see a pregnant woman thinking 'Oh, I'll never get to carry another baby!'.
    I'm not generally very emotional about things (maybe because I'm British!), but when it comes to my children...!

    Sorry for the epic comment. You muct have hit a nerve...I've been thinking these thoughts so much lately!

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  4. I'm in tears reading this post...my little boy turned one in January, and I agree with you when he turned one, he was still just a little baby, and he needed me so much. He still needs me, and he is a long way from turning two, but I see him growing up more and more everyday, and it just breaks my heart. It really won't be like this for long, and he will grow up so quickly before my eyes. Anyways, I almost NEVER comment, but since you made me cry, as well, I felt it necessary. Thinking of you, and I think all of us mothers know exactly how you feel!

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  5. As the mother of a three year old little boy, I totally get this post. This is absolutely making me cry. I find myself looking at my son with tears in my eyes more often than you'd imagine. I don't want him to stop growing. It's amazing to see him change and develop. But oh my goodness sometimes I just want to pick him up as a little baby and rock him and give him a bottle one more time. You need to check out "Let Me Hold You Longer" by Karen Kingsbury. Yes it will make you bawl, but it puts my feelings into words better than anything else I have ever read.

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  6. My babies are 7 & 4 - I know how you feel!
    Crying makes ya feel better so go for it :)

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  7. Oh my, maybe it is because I am pregnant and hormonal but I was in tears at this sweet post! What a lucky little boy to have a mommy who loves him so much! And how amazingly precious was he to be so tender to you when you were sad.

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  8. Awww I don't have kids so I can only imagine how hard it is. Hang in there! You can do it. :)

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  9. I teared up as I read your post. I can really empathize with you! It seems so bitter sweet to watch them grow bigger. My baby baby just turned 11 last month and my first baby will be 13 this August ): Oh I love watching them grow into their own person but it saddens me to not have them be small and "need" me - it's a weird feeling. I know my hubby feels it too sometimes. Every stage is amazing but makes me a little sad too.

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  10. It is SO HARD watching them grow up...but so rewarding, too! My suggestion (not that you asked for it!)...have another baby!

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  11. OHHH I hear you! My baby boy turns 2 tomorrow. It has been much harder on me than turning 1. I just can't believe he's 2. Slow down little one, momma needs you!
    http://handoverthecookies.blogspot.com

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  12. Cub's transition to his big boy room was by far the hardest transition (for me). He did fine, I was a mess! This post is so sweet and I completely relate. You're a good Mama.

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  13. I soooo know what you mean... I think that I have a mini breakdown every time my little one says a new word or masters a new task. I'm not even going to start thinking about a big boy room... breaks my heart!
    ps- Levi is just darling in your pictures! Please tell me that he has toddler tantrums too- he always seems so happy!

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  14. I feel your "pain." It was as if yesterday, I moved my 2 yro daughter into her "big girl" bed. In less than 2 weeks, she'll be graduating high school! :-0 I'll be on the OTHER aisle, in a puddle......

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  15. This post made me cry. I know EXACTLY what you mean. My son turns one this month, and it's killing me that he's not my newborn anymore. We can share sobs at the grocery store.

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  17. I read every day-- but I'm often signed into a different account at work that's not linked to the blog..so I don't get to comment much!

    I'm glad you found your way back to my blog! I keep saying "I have to blog more!!" but finding time has been hard. I have already cried thinking about not having this little boy inside of me and I still have 15.5 weeks to go! (by the way, seeing how cute Levi is really makes me look forward to my Eli! I was nervous about having a boy!)

    Levi is so so SO cute!

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  18. I usually don't get emotional about them until they're all in bed...it's like wheeeew, and then I wish I could do the day over.

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  19. I think it's time for another baby! Afterall you have a nursery all ready...

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  20. Glad to know I'm not the only one... I have 4 babies, and the youngest has just started walking. He looks so cute, and is greatly enjoying being able to get into even more things (eeeek!) but I'm sad that my baby is growing up. And it's a lot worse because I know this is my last baby.

    And don't even get me started on going through baby clothes to give them away... the problem is that my husband is even worse than me. If it was up to him we'd be keeping every single piece of clothing every child has ever worn, lol!

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  21. AW! Poor Husby! You probly scared him to death at first, haha! I will be the same, if not worse, when I have kids!

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  22. My oldest son is 22, graduating in two weeks from college and then moving across country to the west coast for his future career. I absolutely don't know where the time went.

    One day after work I stopped at the post office and a woman and her baby boy were staring at the american flag, he was fascinated by it and she was softly talking to him, his big eyes just watching that flag move in the wind. I cried all the way home, wishing so much I could hold my baby just one for one more minute.

    Luckily, he doesn't mind that i still hug and kiss him every chance i get. I'm already looking forward to having grandkids someday!!

    tina

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May the Lord bless you and keep you safe today! Thanks for the comment, friends! :)

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