Tuesday, November 10, 2009

I'm A Walkin' Candy Apple

One of my favorite Seinfeld episodes is when Elaine dates the "Bad Breaker Up-er" and he insults his ex's by pointing out their biggest flaws. He calls Elaine a Big Head. Says her head is too big for her body. She casually walks in to complain to Jerry about the situation and says, "I'm a Walkin' Candy Apple."

Hahahaha.

I bust out into a gutteral guffaw when I hear this line. Every time.

But the other day, I realized something terrible.

I am a walking candy apple.

It all went down when I was watching The Rachael Ray Show and Rosie O'Donnel was a guest. She boasted of the enormity of her head, as it is 24 inches around. Rachael insisted that hers was bigger, but she never measured it on air.

But guess what I did?

I marched into the kitchen, flung open a drawer, grabbed the measuring tape and wrapped it securely around my head. So securely, in fact, that I may or may not have had a permanent indention for a few hours following. I was secretly trying to make my head seem smaller than it was.

Guys, my head is 23 inches around. Just ONE tiny inch smaller than ROSIE O'DONNELS for the LOVE of PETE.

What am I going to do? Is head lipo suction an option? Is there a cream I can cure this with? Can I go on a head diet?

My oh my, I am a BIG HEAD.

As if knowing my head is only an inch smaller than Rosie's isn't bad enough, I read in a magazine the other day that a woman's head circumference is typically 1/3 of her height. (Is the Cosmos trying to TELL ME SOMETHING with all of this talk of head size all of a sudden? I mean seriously. Knock it off!)

I'm 5'5". That means I am 65 inches tall. Which means that my head should be 21.7 inches around. TWENTY-ONE POINT SEVEN! That is TINY. I am so far away from that even if I squeezed the measuring tape even harder around my head, to the point of popping blood vessels, I still could not reach that number. Not even if I shaved my head bald and took a deep breath! My head will never be 21.7 inches unless I am in a freak accident that shaves a few inches off the back. Seriously.

I'm a big headed freak.

I rushed to my computer to look at pictures of myself to see if my Big Headedness was noticeable. And it is. See??



Run for it Bee-Bee!! Attack of the BIG HEAD!



This picture has unfortunately been cropped. But I was holding a massive cream cheese croissant in it. And my head made the croissant look like a crumb.



Mom, how did you ever birth such a melon? You are some kinda woman!



To make matter worse, my Mom and Grandma have cute little heads. Thanks guys. I'm never taking a picture with you again for the rest of my life.

What oh what am I going to do?

Please tell me there are other big headed girlies out there. We can form a club. And we could have hats with our logo on it. Wait, maybe hats isn't the best option. The XXXL's may cost a pretty penny.

BIG HEADS UNITE!!!!!

41 comments:

  1. Too funny! I just found your blog. My husband has a big head and I tease him all the time. I love that Seinfeld episode too!

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  2. George Lopez could be the spokesperson for your club and he could be the HEADliner for the grand benefits you will have to raise money.

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  3. I'm right there with you! In fact, I haven't been able to wear all of the fabulous sun hats out there ... I need adjustable :)

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  4. It's crazy how the littlest thing can drive you nuts. I'd say I'm generally attractive, but OBSESS over things my family has pointed out.

    Thank you Grandma, for "pointing" out that I have a pointy head, "Just like you."

    And my brother, who said, "Isn't it awful that neither of us have chins?"

    What ARE those criticisms, anyway?

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  5. I just went and measured my head because I meant to do it when I saw the episode of RR!

    On the plus side, you head might be big but it is beautiful!

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  6. hey! i don't *really* know you, but i love your blog! just wanted to point out that every single Disney princess has a humongous head. seriously. look at belle, jasmin, pretty much any of them! haha i have found comfort in this fact...

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  7. That's funny Whitney... your head does not look big by anymeans.

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  8. LOL. This is why I read your blog. I need some entertainment in an otherwise very dull job!
    I don't know how big my head is, and there's no way I'm checking it now! I do know that my head is bigger than the hubby's. I prefer to think his head is small.

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  9. Now I really want to measure my head! i don't have a tape measurer here at work. dangit!

    ~K

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  10. I have a HUGE head!! Every time I take a picture with someone, I make them lean a little closer to the camera, so our heads look almost the same size!! HAHA.

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  11. Actually I have the oppostie problem. I have a tiny itty bitty little head, and it is SO annoying! Hats never fit, sunglasses look ridiculous, I could go on and on! I wish my head wasn't so small!

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  12. I have a huge FACE! A guy once told me that. LOL Seriously though, my cheeks are really big. I can take a picture next to someone who is twice my size but if you just look at our faces, I look like the bigger one. It's sad really. lol There's nothing I can do about it.

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  13. Girl, you are too funny. The circumfrence of your head may be "big" but your face is beautiful & that's all that matters!

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  14. HI there! You are not alone.

    I have a huge head.

    Seriously, I have trouble wearing hats.

    And I find of have a large face.

    I won't lie. I'm right there with you.

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  15. Hey. I dont think you have a big head, now mine, its big. Now when I get home from work, I will be measuring mine as well. You are too funny! Lol.

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  16. Jonathan and I both have pretty big head circumfrences (?) so I am already a bit anxious about what happens when two big-headed people have a baby...yowza.

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  17. Hehehe. I think I might have a big head too. I realized it in high school when I was helping to build sets for drama club. I had to wear a hat to keep the paint out of my hair and the first one I tried on didn't fit! I had to get a bigger one. Later my mom told me the doctors even noticed how big my head when I was born. So sad.

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  18. Oh, you're not alone!! I have a big head too!! boo.

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  19. You are so funny! I have never noticed your head being bigger than normal! But now that you have pointed it out I am going to be staring at it trying to decide if I think it is big. :)

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  20. I'm laughing hysterically right now. :) I have a huge head. I've never measured it but, in pictures it always looks bigger than my body. Now, thanks to you I shall measure it and see! and by the way, you can't even tell that your head is big at all. ;)

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  21. My husband calls me Fat Head, Fat Head, Rollie Pollie, Fat Head.

    I call him an ugly pineapple.

    I think people with big heads are smarter. :)

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  22. Whitney, when we were in high school, Clay and his buddies sweetly nicknamed me "NBA Jam-head". What the heck does that even mean?! Oh and this also makes me feel real great: We joke about Mason's funny head being too big for his body (but really, he's a toddler, so its normal I think) and David always laughs and says "Yeah, he got the Hubbard head". LOL... luckily, I was delivered via c-section, as was Mason, so no harm done with the big-heads of my family!

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  23. I too have a big head and I'm 4'10 3/4". When I graduated from college I had to special order my gown, but no worries I could wear a medium size cap. My two year old takes after me - poor little guy.

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  24. oh my dear, your head is perfect! I do believe that the problem you have is not the problem that you are refering to in this post, but possibly the problem that I myself possess as well. Your head is not small. You have a lot of hair!!! BEAUTIFUL hair, and it's not a bad thing! Just imagine that your head IS actually the mere 21.7 inches that you wish for, and that your abundance of that amazing red hair is the remaining measurement! :D SEE problem solved! You are beautiful, whitney, and not at all a walking candy apple :D

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  25. That's so funny you said that - I just saw that episode like last week! Hilarious!

    For the record, I don't really think you have a big head. My hubby is definitely a big head for sure - so is our son!

    You crack me up girl.

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  26. i can so totally relate! i've found that the secret to taking photos with small headed people is to lean your head slightly back from there's, thus putting their smaller head closer to the camera than your own, evening out the proportion. or just find large headed friends. i mean, uh, not that i would discriminate.....;)

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  27. Haha you crack me up! You're gorgeous in your pics-don't fret!

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  28. I've never measured my head...but my hubs and two youngest boys are big heads. Both boys had heads over the 95th percentile from about 5 months on.

    But they don't look out of proportion and neither do you. You look fabulous.

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  29. I'm in the big head club! My husband's baseball caps are too small for my head and I have to adjust them every time I borrow one!

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  30. My head is 22 inches around so I guess I'm in the club!

    Vanessa

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  31. My neck is what drives my crazy. It is as long as a giraffes neck for sure!

    Vanessa

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  32. Ah, man! I'm 21.5...I guess I can't join. Hahahaha!

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  33. When I was being delivered, my mom said the doctor announced to the room, "Oh, it's gotta be a boy. Look at the size of that head!" I've been teased endlessly about that, so I feel your pain. Just tell people it is for all the extra brains that you have up there. ;)

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  34. ok funny blog. but your head is PERFECT! You have the most beautiful head shape, face, and hair cut. And you do not look like you have a bigger head than your mom or grandma! You are perfect! Just the way God made you!

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  35. you crack me up!!! I would have never thought your head was "big" ...in measurement!! Regardless...still beautiful! :)

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  36. I finished reading this and immediately started questioning Big Man if I had a big head.

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  37. Greetings from England, this really made me smile. And guess what? Last week, I was riding my horse, when my friend said how pretty he was, and I could feel my head GROWING inside my riding hat!! How amazing is that? Drop by my blog sometime, new friends are always welcome.

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  38. My husband has an enormous head. And I have abnormally long arms. (So abnormally long that my arms are LONGER than my husband's, who has 4 inches on me in height.) It's okay :) My husband always says his head is big because his brain is big, and my extra-long arms prove to be quite useful.

    Maybe you just have a big brain, too :)

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  39. Ok I just measured my head lol...mine is 22 inches so I have a big head too and I notice it all the time in pics too. Oh well we must have bigger brains!

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  40. With a face like yours, who cares about the size of your head! We're our own worst critics, right?

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  41. Well, you are not alone. i have a BIG head. Probably bigger than yours. I need to go so I can measure it.

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May the Lord bless you and keep you safe today! Thanks for the comment, friends! :)

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